When you loose an angel, the skies are dark. When I loose my angel, my heart hurts, my arms hurt and my soul feels empty.

I hope this story never post but if it has, I have left Bogo City and I’m headed for Cebu City to try to start a new life. I’ve never had to deal with the Philippines alone. It probably would have been easier before I’ve seen all the things I’ve seen. However, it probably would have been far more costly too.

I’m in bad shape physically and also mentally. I haven’t been able to function fully in a couple of weeks and this last week, I can barely lift my arms. I never want to sleep and I haven’t slept much. I have wanted to sleep just to stop the pain. I wanted to close my eyes forever so that it would all remain unchanged.

Jessie is an angel but she just doesn’t want me. I don’t understand what is happening. It is the most confusing thing I’ve ever seen in regards to a woman that I love. Jessie is a private person.  That makes it harder for me to fully explain this.  She says she loves me and doesn’t want me to go. At the same time, she is not acting like she loves me. She takes great care of me, won’t let me do anything for myself. That has left me totally dependent upon her. I’ve been within 10 feet of her nearly every moment for the last week, yet I’m completely alone.

I’ve made mistakes with her in the last three years and now I’ve lost her. The hardest part is that I finally had just begun to believe that she really loved me and that she would always be here. In this culture we are considered married. I had even taken that culture as my own. I too considered us married. I even say yes when people ask me if she is my wife.

I hope I can stay in the Philippines. I don’t have any close friends that I can call on for help. I will become a wandering nomad. I’ll have two purposes and they are probably diametrically opposed. You see, a woman once told me “You are not a loner.”  I found that very odd since I’ve been alone most of my life. I told her “I always thought I was.”  Her reply was “You are if you have that special someone.” So how do I never become close to someone again. “Take a look and walk away that’s alright with me.” The Lonely Stranger, Eric Clapton (Likely a paraphrase.)

I’m stalling now. I’m also very sleepy. I didn’t take a Xanax last night so I would wake up early. Instead I took two benedryl so I could sleep at all. At about 5:30AM, I woke up after three hours of sleep. I heard someone calling my name. I heard Jessie’s sweet voice repeating my name. I woke startled and looked for her. She was sound asleep. She was not calling me.

I will have to buy a netbook or something. I will be back online when I can.  This comes at a really bad time, even my phone is dead. I’m completely cut off. I don’t have anyone to call though.  I will need to communicate though so i will buy a cheap phone. I hate them, I can barely use Jessie’s at all.

When you loose an angel, it is hard to continue living. I’m still hoping for some miracle and that this never gets posted. It s not 6:08AM. If this post, I will already be in Cebu City.  What will become of me. Some people are going to be very happy this happened to me.

The skies are so dark when you loose an angel. Have I finally met what I cannot survive? I doubt it but there is a difference in this crises. All the other times, I thought they would never get better. I think I’ll be okay in time. So this may be the end. That I don’t think so is the scary part.  That I’m dependent upon her is also scary. Being alone is not my idea of paradise.

Good bye Angel, I love you. Thank you for the best years of my life. The only time I’ve thought I was loved since I was 22 years old.  Nothing left to believe though, I was wrong. “Open, open a heart of stone, break it just don’t you leave it alone. It is all I have to give to you. Its never been used.”

Filed under: Living In The Philippines

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