Filipino Wife Not Allowed To Leave The House
One day Jessie came back from the bank and told me the banker said
Jessie, a Pretty Filipina!
“Its good your husband will allow you to leave the house without him.” That, of course, was a very odd thing to me. Husbands using the allow word in the USA is pretty close to using the divorce word! 
Okay, so that is hyperbole! I asked her about it and she told me that most pinoy don’t allow their wives to leave the house.
Of course, not all couples live by this rule. I know quite a few that don’t. I have learned should not apply the traditions of their home town to the entire Philippines. I’ve seen many times where Philippine traditions can be quite limited to localized. But, it is Jessie’s experience that more often than not, that Filipino husbands don’t allow this and most of the wives obey. Obey is another high conflict word in American culture.
Culture of The Philippines
A few days ago, a Filipina sent a text message to me telling me that she was bored and a little lonely. I was very surprised to hear from her as I have not spoken to her in at least a couple of months. Since that day, I’ve sent her several text and she didn’t reply. At the time, I asked her if she would like to meet Jessie and myself for lunch. I had seen her out alone before, that’s where how we met her. I have only seen her a couple of times though. She told me she’s not allowed to leave the house except to deliver and retrieve her husband from work.
I was surprised and felt sorry for her. She went on to explain she’s in the house all the time. I suggested that she talk to her husband about it as this is how many marriages end up in trouble. She said that she didn’t have the courage to talk to him about stuff like that. That too gives insight into Philippine culture.
I suspect that many Westerners, especially women will be quick to cast judgment on her and him. This is the Filipino way in many families. It is Filipino culture, it is not an outsiders place to judge. Family bonds are strong in the Philippines. I know the USA could use some improvement in this area. On the other hand, those strong bonds also bring a lot of pressure on Filipino. It seems to me, mostly on pinay.
This is however, the Filipino way. It may change some time, just as it has changed in American culture. It wasn’t all that long where we heard “A woman’s place is in the home.” Some American’s still believe this and that is okay. Most o f us would respect that. We should also respect the Filipino way.
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Tagged with: family • Filipino Culture • Living In The Phlippines
Filed under: Filipino Culture • Living In The Philippines
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Hi Rusty, I’m not a sociologist but I’d go on a limb here in saying that Philippine society is much more open than you might observe. It used to be that only husbands are the breadwinners so the wives stay home to keep the home & raise kids. Since the 80s, that has changed. Wives find work when they can, even leave the kids so they can work abroad–most often than not–to take care of other kids. Now, if the wife is the only one that could get gainful employment, the husband gladly accepts the role of a homemaker. I think women get to find work more than men. So I imagine men don’t pull their macho card just for its sake because they know that they can’t bring home the bacon. My best friend earns very well as a PDIC lawyer. His wife is a govt lawyer. Their children go to a top private school in MKTI. My friend allowed his wife to go to the US to teach even if their children are still small. There was no economic need. The wife wants the experience. I have another friend who did not finish highschool. He stays home & takes care of his son if he can’t find odd jobs. Meanwhile, his wife works full time as a coin sorter in a nearby bigger town. My point is from my own cross section of friends from A—D, I have yet to meet a husband who’s that old-fashioned. Filipinas are not as timid as you think. I don’t think they will stand up for that. Meanwhile, I know of pinays too who love to be treated by their men as subordinates. They feel more womanly when their husbands treat them that way.
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Hey Roy, thanks for stopping by!
I value your input and your never ending quest to keep us Kano’s on the right path.
I too know women that are very active and that work when the husbands cannot find work. My landlord goes all over the Island, visiting all of the festivals that she can. Her husband works on a ship and she’s from old money. My neighbor works at a bank, her husband doesn’t have a job per say but he is a business man is doing very well. I know lots of women that do go out of the house.
But the women that don’t work are the ones you’re not likely to see. They are almost always home if their husband follows the old way. Unless they are your friends, you’re unlikely to ever know them.
I would think one would see more women headed out into the world if they live in Makati. I have been unable to spend time there but my impression is that it is far more modern than Northern Cebu.
I have met quite a few Filipina that say they don’t want to marry a Filipino. Where does that come from? Okay, sometimes they wont a light skinned baby. Some want money but I think there is also something in the culture.
I know another woman that was required to stay in the home and all of them I know are miserable. It does seem like most women do head out into the world. But when I go out I don’t see a lot of women in the streets unless they are in a school uniform. The ones I do talk to are almost always single or separated from their spouse.
I’ve yet to meet a woman that is required to stay at home that was happy about it. Remember, it was a text message from a Filipina that just needed to vent about her pain.
Hmnmnm…is it then a question of demographics? I don’t think so. From north to south, I might say that there are women who are breadwinners themselves. Most pinoys allow ther wives to go out, work or socialize. They are not generally insecure. They can’t find work or it’s more fun to just loaf, gamble. No wonder pinays look for other husband material.
Yes demographics would play a huge role. You spoke of lawyers and Makati not exactly the low end of the educational and economic scale. I do agree with you on the loafing and the job thing, that does happen here too.
I know three women that talk of being treated this way though.
Remember when I got your dander up when I just asked about people coming to the door on Christmas. For you it was so far out of what you have experienced you couldn’t comprehend that it went on. My girlfriend was just as shocked that you would say that. Sure enough we did have a few people show up at our door on Christmas morning asking for money. I learned something very useful for me about the Philippines. There are traditions that are very localized. I also know the history now of where this tradition comes from.
Perhaps it doesn’t go on as much as Jessie thinks it does but its been common in her life. I think I agree with you basically. It does happen, I think more than you realize but far less than I originally thought so I’ve learned something which was my intent.
I tend to get into the details of things, Ii love learning and the Philippines certainly gives me lots of room to do that.
Thanks!
When I was a little girl, I used to see this kind of “dictatorial relationships” in my neighborhood in Manila. I honestly don’t know why women would put up with being treated this way? I know some possibly enjoyed being treated this way, so I guess if the husband/BF says “you can’t leave the house, etc”, and the girl is accepting, then it is OK. Some probably felt they have no choice, because they really have nowhere to go if they would rebel to these “orders”. Maybe some might even feel flattered that the husband /BF is so possessive, but I often wonder how long would she enjoy/tolerate being treated this way? And I wonder if this kind of practices lead to the image of the Filipina abroad as “submissive”? which is a total fallacy, if I may say so.
Is that a picture of you? I’ve got to find out what I need to change to make the avatars larger, much larger.
Nice to have you back.
Filipino in general are seen by many as being compliant. That was the term I saw shortly after i arrived here. It was from an expat, but one that doesn’t get out into the real world off the Filipino. He stays in his condo and the upscale malls of Cebu City. I agree they are not as compliant as it may first seem.
The guy i spoke about was an American and his wife lives with him in the USA. It was a story about expats beating their wives and he used the excuse that they make him do it and that they even do it so they can divorce their husbands while living in the USA.
I really have a hard time believing more than one woman in a thousand could enjoy this.
I think it has more to do with financial control.
Its next to impossible for a mom to get a job in the Philippines unless she’s highly educated, is a teacher or something along those lines. Unless she’s already working at that time, she’s trapped.
I saw on LIP the other day, an American guy talk about not allowing his wife to talk to other women! That is about control, I know what he’s talking about but that’s still a sign of a troubled mind, a controlling mind.
Except for the extreme rare exception, these women suffer in silence. You know what kind of family pressures come to bare on a Filipina. Jessie told me that’s often used to control. “Embarrass her in front of her family.”
I’ve talked to two women that lived like this and they were miserable. For one it played a large role in the destruction of her marriage. The girl that sent me a text is headed down that path too.
LOL, its not easy to dominate me. I don’t do submissive very well at all.
I remember when my second X wife once put her hands on her hips and laid down the law to me. I just looked up and asked her “If you flap those things can you fly.” LOL
And what gives birth to control? Fear and a bit of delussional thinking. Life became so much simplier when I figured out I’d be doing good if i could control myself. But all of us are so guided by things we ae not aware of that we really have an extremely hard time controlling our selves.
It is about control. it also makes it easy for the guy to do as he pleases with little chance of being discovered.
Not allowed to talk to another woman? The guy has got to be so insecure. I hope she’s not staying with him. But of course, unless she is very young, like just on the early 20′s, chances are she would be staying for economic reasons. This is really sad. I’ve seen these kind of situations in Oz. I think guys get foriegn brides, bring them to their home countries and attempts to isolate them by forbidding them to go out or make friends, because friends would start putting ideas into her head and she might leave him. But eventually she learns, and leaves anyway. So nothing’s achieved by isolating her. If anything, controlling her makes for a very rebellious Filipina! and when Filipina becomes rebellious, she is very resourceful.
I think it is all about control. Even here in Oz, I know of a Filipina who has been here for 30+ years, and she still does not drive. Apparently, her does not want her to learn to drive. Now, in PI, it does not matter if you drive or not, but in Oz, especially where I live, if you don’t drive, you are stuck at home and reliant for friends (and husband!) to drive you everywhere. What’s wrong with catching a taxi? It gets too expensive, besides, the husband chooses who she befriends, where she goes, and when. And if she is lucky enough to be allowed to go out, he will only let her, but him tagging along. One time we asked her why she puts up with this. She said it is OK, because she gets to go to Europe once a year (he is from Europe originally). Needless to say, we all thought “Stuff Europe, you can stick it where the sun doesn’t shine!”. But this case is only a minority, perhaps the only case that I know since I’d been in Oz. The rest of the Filipinas pretty much dominates the household and/or partnership basis. What more could be ideal?
We tend to think that Philippines is a Patriarchal Society, but I think we are more “overtly patriarchal but covertly matriarchal”.
For starters, Filipino women today serve as heads in the family arrangement, handling the money, acting as religious mentors and even arranging marriages for their sons and daughters. This is a sharp contrast to women being subjugated to their husbands.
Hello Miss August!
Welcome and I hope you’ll visit often and give me your insights often even when I’m slow to figure out your right!
Women in the Philippines are even heads of State! They are lawyers and doctors and may even with those outside duties some how manage to lead their families. Something we men find very hard to accomplish.
Now doubt, women play an important role in the Philippines and other parts of the world.
The word covertly implies that they are subjugated. I don’t think most women are subjugated though my Filipina “wife” seems to think most are.
She once suffered under such domination and it played a significant role in the destruction of her relationship but she is quick to point out she’s not the average Filipina. She a bit like a wild horse in spirit and I like that about her.
Still, there are a lot of women that are locked up in their homes and that is not healthy for them or their marriages. The USA underwent these kind of changes beginning in the 60′s and become more prominent in the 70′s and 80′s. Now the “housewife” as we called them are far more respected than they use to be.
I can remember a time when a lot of women couldn’t drive. I remember my mother learning to drive when I was in the first grade and I remember that causing some conflict until my father learned her driving could be beneficial for him too. Change comes slowly in many cases.
I prefer women to rule overtly or better yet to play an equal role. Its the husband’s duty to make sure his wife is happy, encourage her to speak her mind and even to grow intellectually and in every other way.
Still, far too often, that is not what is happening.
wow rusty when u make a coment u open a can of worms dont you? hahaha . I dont realy know how it is over there with husbands and wives but I know from my own gfs that most pinays are verry submisive, i thought this was becaues of there up bringing, im not use to it at all , it is kinda flattering for a while but i worrie that if the one i marry does it too much when shes here my sisters will beat me hahahaha. also i now understand the head backwards tilt and the raised eye brows , i always wonderd why my gf did this when i asked her some thing and id have to ask her 2 times to get an answer , i didnt know i was already being said yes to, Ill keep this in mind now.also i plan to study more on the respect part of the culture and the paranormal part as vampires and spooks of any kind realy get me going,i lv to investigate such things,
Hi Pat, ummm, well it happens quite a bit “out in the province.”
You talk of me opening a can of worms, and you used the “submissive” word. LOL
I probably would have said, serving, accommodating but I do understand what you mean. A traditional Filipina seems dedicated to a live of service. Her man is defiantly a beneficiary of that.
It is because of their bringing up. The respect and admiration Jessie has toward her father is very nice to see. He’s a very gentle guy (though I’m quite certain he’s been in a ruckus or two in his life). He seems to deserve the respect and admiration.
Jessie isn’t completely submissive, she will give me a firm no at times. Usually for my own good.
I just don’t know about this paranormal business, especially the aswang but I know what I saw was freaky and matched the description often given for an aswang.
And these faint late night knockings upon my door… “tis the wind and nothing more” ha ha
i look forward to getting back there and i do have lots of info on that creatcher.On another of ur sites was saying about extended ur visa from 21 to 59 i did that last time i was there the total cost was 3000 peso in 2011 january, im going to be back in jan again in 2012 and it would be good to meet you if ur around, also i am by no means one who wants a slave in a wife i want a woman with spirit and fire but also knows how to be a wife not a nasty ol canada gf hahahaha i do love the way the philippine girls treat me but i will not take advantage of it as i have too much respect for there reason for doing so, and what they are trying to accomplish with there kindness,But i do love being treated like im special by my gf, its a feeling youd never get from a gf here in north america.
Pat, I was just poking a little fun at ya.
Hey, my X2 (second x wife) was very sweet, up until the time she got bored with me.
It has taken five years but when I see a picture of her now, I find I’m once again fond of her. Not true of my X1 unit. haha (Hi Mandy, I know you visit my site from time to time or could be your daughter but I know one of you do.)
Yeah, it is still around P3000 for your first extension. I remember when I thought it was dang cheap but after you’ve lived here for a little while and get an idea how much money that is in terms of the Philippines, it no longer seems so cheap. Still, its a good deal for us.
The second extension is between 7000 and 8000 peso. That’s when you get your ACR card. I wonder why they call the Alien Registration Card, ACR
Must be linking to the Spanish which often word things in reverse from English. My being slightly dyslexic it confuses me. Half the time when I type a 2 it comes out Z or a b will be a p. 
I’d be happy to meet you, I hope it works out that we can. I don’t socialize much because I can’t life on a schedule. That was the number one reason for my being able to retire early on disability. Good thing I didn’t have to rely on social security disability, I don’t think I could have qualified. If I had continued to try to work, I would have died.
I would recommend this blog to my friends. Always one of the best!